Satire

Andrew Jackson: Swashbuckling Soothsayer

President Andrew Jackson sat at his desk in the Oval Office. The year was 18something…

President Andrew Jackson sat at his desk in the Oval Office. The year was 18something, a very long time ago, before cell phones. He stared at the note from his Vice President. South Carolina is leaving the Union. Deal with it.

He was such a dick, this Calhoun guy, but Jackson was a great communicator and deal maker so he knew how to deal with people like Calhoun. Heck, he even understood the guy, to a point. Jackson was tough, sure, but he had a big heart.

But now was not a time for mercy. Now was a time for action. Jackson stood up and opened his top left drawer. He took out his eye patch and secured it around his head. It was Swashbuckling Time.

As Jackson walked out to confront his VP, he thought back to his campaign. It was mean. It was nasty. It was the meanest and the nastiest. But it was moments like this that made it all worth it. Andrew Jackson the President wasn’t the same man as Andrew Jackson the Campaigner. Why couldn’t everyone see that? Yes, he lashed out at John Quincy Adams, called him a pigf*cker and an ugly turtle, nicknamed him Stupid Adams (that clever little nickname caught on like wildfire, and Adams never lived it down), but he was a good guy. Really. He was.

Outside, Calhoun cackled. It was an awful, unmanly sound. Calhoun dropped even further in Jackson’s estimation.

“South Carolina is leaving the Union. It’s time for the Nullification Crisis, bitch.”

“Not on my watch.” Then Jackson punched him in his stupid Democrat face. Calhoun went down like an old woman. Pathetic.

Jackson knew he saved America just then. All in a day’s work for the Best American President Of All Time. He knew a Civil War was coming, some time in 18something. He could feel it in his bones. If only he was born 16 years later, he could have solved the Civil War crisis once and for all. Abraham Lincoln was kind of a bitch, really.

That night he eschewed a political dinner, some sort of White House Correspondent’s Dinner, to go to his dead wife’s grave. The Liberal Elites killed her, with their words and insinuations.

“I miss you, wife,” he said quietly. “I will avenge you.”

It was a promise Andrew Jackson, Swashbuckling President intended to keep.

Featured image via Wikipedia Commons

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