Satire

How to end abortion, from the pro-birth perspective

No issue is more important to me than ending abortion. I will do whatever it takes to make abortion a thing of the past. Below is a list of things I will do to end the issue that is nearest and dearest to my heart:

-tell women to stop having sex

-shame them for decisions they make that have nothing to do with me

-no other things

Why teach kids about sex education when we can give them metaphors about how their worth is all tied up in their chastity? Personally, I’m a fan of the metaphor. “Sex is like a fire: in the confines of the fireplace of marriage, it will warm your house. Outside the fireplace, it will burn your house down.”

Okay, so I’m not great at metaphors. But this is an actual metaphor taught during my abstinence-only sex education I received 10 years ago – in California of all places. Thanks, 21st century Catholic education!

I like to describe abortion as a “Silent Holocaust” (only it’s worse than the actual Holocaust because more fetuses have died) but I’m not interested in any of my taxpayer money going to birth control. Is that how that works? I’m not sure, but I’m offended. Besides, how can you have sex if you’re not even allowing for the possibility of procreation?

Whether or not you have sex and why you do so is my business because I pay taxes.

Sex is for two reasons: to show love, and to procreate. If you’re not doing it for either of these reasons, that makes you the pervert. Not me, for being unusually invested in a stranger’s sex life. That’s normal (praise Jesus). YOU’RE THE WEIRD ONE.

(I’m the kind of person who asks “what about the cake makers?!?!” when talking about gay rights but then points out that Islam is evil for being homophobic.)

Did you know abortion is racist? That’s because more black fetuses are aborted than other fetuses. Am I going to make the connection between a lack of family planning resources, access to birth control, and sex education in low-income neighborhoods and higher abortion rates? No thanks. I’d rather just throw the word “racist” around and then get offended when someone calls me racist because I genuinely don’t understand race relations and I’m making literally zero effort to try.

Never mind that abortion rates are down thanks to ACA making birth control free. Never mind that neighborhoods with access to sex education have lower rates of abortion. I am so invested in ending abortion once and for all that I choose to vote to end these programs, shout about how people shouldn’t have sex unless it’s to further the species, and then blame feminism when the rates for abortion go back up.

Don’t get me wrong. I love women. I don’t think women should be punished for killing their unborn child. Even though I genuinely believe abortion is murder, I understand that this makes me look like I hate women, and that’s not a good look. I just want women to feel really, really bad about the bad choices they make when I take all the good ones away from them.

I’ll bring up adoption as an alternative without doing anything to help the system or even adopt kids myself.

What I like about this approach is that when a woman decides to go through with her unplanned pregnancy, I can still call her a whore and a Welfare Queen. Praise be!

I’m passionately pro-birth — I mean pro-life! — and I don’t care who knows it.

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