Satire

There are too many open spaces in our schools

In the wake of another school shooting in which we wring our hands and calmly explain that thoughts and prayers and mindlessly clinging to the very weapons used to massacre children are how Jesus would have wanted us to respond to these events, I find myself at a loss for how to prevent this from happening again. Obviously talking about it without actually doing anything has not gotten the results we thought it would. Complaining that the world has lost its way and we’re all a victim of the moral decay brought on by the sexual revolution has done little to stem the tide of violence either. With no reasonably options left for us to take, may I suggest something radical?

Get rid of open spaces. Schools should be comprised of offices, bathrooms, window-less classrooms, and underground bomb shelters. Really, this is the only reasonable solution left.

Quads are prime hunting grounds for unhinged teens who have access to high-caliber weapons that can kill up to 50 people in less than an hour. Football fields are perfect for snipers who want revenge on the social status they were obviously owed simply for existing. And cafeterias at lunch? You might as well have a sign outside the school inviting that kid who never would have done something like this if only people were nicer to him to grab his AR-15 and cruise on through.

What is the point of a window anyway? To look outside? Please. Kids should be focusing on the assignments in front of them. I expect a handy side effect of this much safer, much more reasonable approach to education will be better test scores. You can thank me later.

Those leftist fascists might cry about gun control and demand we punish God-fearing, law-abiding American citizens who conflate gun control with gun confiscation. If they don’t know the entire history of the AK-47 and how it’s ACTUALLY NOT EVEN AN AUTOMATIC WEAPON, I can safely ignore their arguments about how people with domestic abuse rap sheets should not be able to purchase firearms. Instead, may I persuade you that all doors to classrooms should be made of reinforced titanium and remain deadbolted at all times? Kids will definitely feel safe learning in such an environment.

Here are some other suggestions that are definitely worthier of debate than stricter gun control laws:

  1. All students should have to take off their shoes before entering school.
  2. Get rid of plastic knives in the cafeteria. Knives are definitely comparable to guns when it comes to the amount of damage one can do in a short amount of time, and I feel like this argument is not given the respect it deserves.
  3. Build moats and drawbridges around campuses (swamp monsters optional).
  4. Should girls be forced to go out with the weird boys who believe dating in the 21st century comes down to high-status and low-status males? Hey — food for thought.
  5. Build mandatory gun ranges at school. That way, students can learn self-defense.

Anyway, these questions should tide us over until the next mass shooting, when someone recommends spending millions of dollars on bullet-proof forcefields, and several news outlets act like it’s an idea actually worth talking about.

Featured image via YouTube

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