A brief rundown of conservative and evangelical arguments defending an alleged pedophile

Over the past year, we’ve had a lot of opportunity to study why exactly someone would defend the indefensible. I would list some examples, but I’m just going to say “Trump presidency,” point out the fact that he still has supporters, and leave it at that.

Now we have the shocking but not-exactly-surprising allegations against Judge Roy Moore. Here, in chronological order, are the defenses I’ve seen of Roy Moore:

1.) It’s in the Bible so it must be okay.

Joseph did it with Mary. So. You know.

(On a side note, if you’re one of those people that takes the Bible literally, there is technically no evidence that Joseph and Mary ever had relations. Jesus isn’t Joseph’s biological son. There’s never a mention of Jesus’s siblings in the Bible. And Mary’s nickname is the Virgin Mary. Sure, you can assume they got it on. But it doesn’t technically say it. So.)

This is gross on a bunch of levels, and it’s been analyzed a million times already, so let’s move on.

2.) The Washington Post is full of lies.

30+ sources don’t matter. His reputation for dating high school students even back then doesn’t matter.

3.) One of the women worked for the Hillary Clinton campaign.

Does that mean she lied? What about the other three women?

4.) The Swamp Establishment and George Soros are out to get him.

So… it didn’t happen? Then what was all that nonsense about Joseph and Mary and the consensual underage stuff?

5.) Why is it coming out so late?

Yeah, 1970s Alabama was a really solid time to accuse a powerful man of sexual misconduct.

6.) Bill Clinton is a predator and he was President. Why aren’t we going after him?

Yes. He is. And way to actually prove why these allegations are only coming out now — they didn’t stick before.

But let’s get back to Roy Moore being a pedophile.

7.) What about Bob Menendez?

Yeah, Bob Menendez is scum. But let’s get back to Roy Moore being a pedophile.

8.) JFK seduced a 19-year-old.

JFK was gross AF and also 19 is legitimately an adult. And also JFK is not running for Senate in 2017. And also, if we’re playing this game, come get your boy Warren G. Harding. But also let’s not play this game because it’s terrifying and hellish and nobody wins.

Let’s get back to Roy Moore being a pedophile.

9.) Innocent until proven guilty.

He was literally a judge. How fair do you think that court case would have been?

10.) Destroy your Keurig cups.

Huh. Who knew defending pedophilia would make you all a bunch of environmentalists?

11.) Let’s prove the women were paid.

Jesus Christ. How badly do you want to elect a guy whose entire platform is hating gay people and Muslims while also fighting against literally any gun control measure?

12.) Threatening to sue the Washington Post.

Oh god please do it. Please.

There are conflicting reports on the poll numbers, so I’m not even that confident he’ll lose. Gross. Gross. And more gross.

Featured image via YouTube 

Caitlin Cohen

Caitlin Cohen graduated from Boston University with a degree in History. She has written for DeadState for three and a half years. She technically speaks French. She lives in Los Angeles with her boyfriend and has big plans to one day get a dog.