Christian minister: Debt-ridden, tattooed, college-educated women are destined to die alone

As an unmarried woman, I am an incomplete person in the eyes of Jesus Christ. I am well into my child-bearing years, and yet marriage remains very much out of my grasp. The fears that I will die alone keep me up at night. What can I do to remedy this?

According to Christian minister Lori Alexander, I made my lonely bed a long time ago.

She writes:

Do you know how much more attractive debt-free virgins (without tattoos) are to young men? Unfortunately, there are so few of these types of young women anymore because of the high costs of college (debt) and sexual promiscuity even within those in the church.

There are many more reasons why Christian young women should carefully consider whether or not they go to college, especially if they want to be wives and mothers someday. Secular universities teach against the God of the Bible and His ways. It’s far from what God calls women to be and do: it teaches them to be independent, loud, and immodest instead of having meek and quiet spirits.

“The husband will need to take years teaching his wife the correct way to act, think, and live since college taught them every possible way that is wrong.” (Sadly, most young Christian women wouldn’t listen to their husbands since they’ve not been taught to live in submission to their husbands…)

Well fuck. I knew that tattoo of a heart that read DADDY’S GIRL on my lower back was a bad idea, but my independent, loud, and immodest gender studies professor brainwashed me into getting it.

I appreciate Alexander, this woman who is clearly of meek and quiet spirit but somehow also in a position of religious authority, giving me unsolicited advice. All of that college education left me totally unprepared for the roles Jesus Christ most wanted me to have — a baby factory and live-in maid for a man I desperately (and meekly and quietly) want to please.

What about sexual promiscuity of young men? Bah. Yeah, sure, nobody should be having sex outside of marriage, and young men are certainly committing some kind of sin by doing so, but it’s not their entire self-worth like it is for us lady types. Oh, if only I wasn’t so worried about giving myself more options to financially support myself, I could be married to a good Christian man and having his brood!

The idea of living in submission to a man is only abhorrent to me because college, obviously, and I would have to thank my lucky stars if I ever find a husband who is willing to train me. It would be a lot of work for this hapless fella, so what are the chances I’d ever find it?

Young women — young, young, young women — learn from me. Don’t make my mistakes. Don’t bother getting an education so you can financially support yourself or expand your horizons. Don’t get drawings on your body. Don’t make any decisions on your own. Don’t learn independent. Be meek. Be submissive.

And for f*ck’s sake – be quiet.

Featured image via Lori Alexander/Facebook

Caitlin Cohen

Caitlin Cohen graduated from Boston University with a degree in History. She has written for DeadState for three and a half years. She technically speaks French. She lives in Los Angeles with her boyfriend and has big plans to one day get a dog.